Andy Borowitz from CaglePost.com Columns by Andy Borowitz from CaglePost.com http://rss.caglepost.com/columns.aspx?name=Andy+Borowitz Sat, 27 Dec 2008 08:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://rss-net.sf.net/ Markets Crash on Pictures of Obama Losing Shirt Shirtless President-Elect Creates Crisis of Confidence Global markets swooned this week in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had lost his shirt. The pictures depicting a shirtless Mr. Obama wandering about on a deserted stretch of beach stoked fears that the United States' fina... http://www.caglepost.com/article/207700d0-252b-4e8f-889e-46e12094b753.html Sat, 27 Dec 2008 08:00:00 GMT Caroline Kennedy Asks to be Time's Person of the Year Places Phone Call to Magazine's Editor Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine's editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed this week. While some observers considered Ms. Kennedy's bid ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/e8865623-093a-46cb-8687-6af0d5098e49.html Sat, 20 Dec 2008 08:00:00 GMT Angry Kucinich Reminds Obama He Was Rival Makes Hail Mary Bid for Postmaster General As president-elect Barack Obama continues to assemble his "team of rivals" by filling Cabinet positions with former political opponents, he has drawn the ire of one self-styled rival who feels he has been unfairly overlooked: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-... http://www.caglepost.com/article/093c13d4-4cec-45db-90ef-6c0f477a1c9f.html Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:00:00 GMT Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy Stunning Break from Last Eight Years In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say. Millions of Americans who watched ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/eaf4eaad-46bb-446f-8f29-9dd8a1ad2d3f.html Sat, 22 Nov 2008 08:00:00 GMT Failure To Blow Election Stuns Democratic Party Faithful Mourn End To Losing Tradition Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right. For Democrats, who have become accust... http://www.caglepost.com/article/4382e6f6-25ce-4d41-9f9b-7c5688f30e9d.html Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:00:00 GMT After The Success Of Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama After the success of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial Thursday night, the Obama campaign has confirmed that he will produce another one, this time to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guara... http://www.caglepost.com/article/1a5e52cf-0e3f-40ca-82be-469ded3f75af.html Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Holds Auditions For Angry Mob Open Casting Call for Irate White People With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed tod... http://www.caglepost.com/article/0ad70333-4345-4088-8a95-5ea937464121.html Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:00:00 GMT Palin Blasts Obama's Ties To Weather Channel "Palling Around with Meteorologists," Guv Claims Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has longstanding ties to The Weather Channel. "What does it say about our opponent that he t... http://www.caglepost.com/article/2adb68e1-5276-4d01-928f-d36762c33390.html Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Replaces Palin With Startled Deer Hoofed Running Mate Could Be Game-Changer. With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, with a startled ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/ca84552d-8afc-42f9-acd2-070ddf3503c3.html Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men With White Hair Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he cal... http://www.caglepost.com/article/19e1ef85-ff5b-4f9c-9097-ca4aa23af6e7.html Mon, 29 Sep 2008 07:00:00 GMT Palin Uses Magic 8-Ball In ABC Interview Offers Three Answers to Eighty Questions GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for h... http://www.caglepost.com/article/96eaa9cc-ba99-4e8c-8e7a-9672cbdab3e8.html Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:00:00 GMT Pit Bull Owners Blast Palin Comparison "Offensive," Dog Fanciers Complain Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pit bull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/5befd0ba-a85d-40bf-b3c5-d4711500ac5e.html Mon, 15 Sep 2008 07:00:00 GMT Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists Bigots Oppose Barack by 1,000-to-1 Margin In a potentially ominous sign for the Democratic nominee, a new poll shows Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) trailing far behind GOP standard bearer Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) among voters who identify themselves as... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fcad59dc-5049-4734-b9ae-bc89a22b85c9.html Mon, 08 Sep 2008 07:00:00 GMT In Week Before Labor Day, Pointless Lazy Columnists Pad Out Stories by Quoting Experts, Experts Say In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America are filing pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/3f5f4424-72c8-4d06-9754-1c815be06c30.html Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:00:00 GMT China's Gold Medals Found To Have High Lead Content Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals China's impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that "abnormally high levels of lead" were found in the first-place medallions. The medals, which were s... http://www.caglepost.com/article/4e982e88-af6d-40b7-bc7c-ee9099a0f4cc.html Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:00:00 GMT Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics Diver Hid Details of Intact Family A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide spo... http://www.caglepost.com/article/242dc7cf-34d8-4527-9093-531eec4ce435.html Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:00:00 GMT Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad Just days after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) broadcast an anti-Obama ad in which he compared the presumptive Democratic nominee to celebrities Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, the two tabloid mainstays fought back with an eviscerating anti-McCain spot ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/e49b039f-d0e3-4ff5-b356-b2d8c683a228.html Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:00:00 GMT Obama Leads McCain In Frequent Flyer Miles Could Qualify For Free Trip to Maui, Aides Say In what some political insiders are calling a major victory for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) easily surpassed his GOP rival, Sen. John McCain, in total frequent flyer mi... http://www.caglepost.com/article/9aae14bb-f70f-457f-9bc7-95a573ea48c6.html Mon, 04 Aug 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Makes Historic First Visit To Internet In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on a historic first-ever visit to the Internet. Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Interne... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fbb01046-45ce-469e-b297-25c13b81a957.html Mon, 28 Jul 2008 07:00:00 GMT Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself Bid to Help Late Night Comics Saying he is "sympathetic to late night comedians' struggle to find jokes to make about me," Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes. The five jokes, which Sen. Oba... http://www.caglepost.com/article/85d84fbb-abb3-42a6-b398-bb16f7baa5a1.html Mon, 21 Jul 2008 07:00:00 GMT Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying To Win Election Nominee Called Traitor to Democrats' Losing Tradition The liberal blogosphere was aflame today with new accusations that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) is trying to win the 2008 presidential election. Suspicions about Sen. Obama's true motives have been ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/2dd794e7-5f93-4921-8420-b92ca67d76d9.html Mon, 14 Jul 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Propose Tax Holiday For Beer Heiresses Says Brewery Scions Could Lead Economic Revival Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled details of his economic policy today, telling an audience in Ohio that if elected, he would support a real-estate tax holiday for beer he... http://www.caglepost.com/article/85e77ade-480f-4f8c-b5fd-69e2edccb83a.html Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:00:00 GMT Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes "We have the technology." That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a state-of-the-art replacement head. While the Cindy... http://www.caglepost.com/article/535ca1e3-88ae-4958-a27d-41b0e308844e.html Mon, 30 Jun 2008 07:00:00 GMT McCain Vows To Campaign In All 13 Colonies Republican presidential nominee John McCain officially kicked off his general election campaign today, promising to bring his race for the White House to "all 13 colonies." At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if his ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/de1e6409-c3bf-4bb6-b8fc-1c1e28b28306.html Mon, 23 Jun 2008 07:00:00 GMT Straight Man Accidentally Sees A self-styled heterosexual man from Akron, Ohio, said today that he was "traumatized" over the weekend after attending a showing of the new Sarah Jessica Parker film "Sex and the City." Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/35ed1720-b51d-4957-893b-90f3eebc9c8a.html Mon, 16 Jun 2008 07:00:00 GMT Bush Refuses To Read McClellan's Book, Calling It On a day when Washington was abuzz with the news that former White House spokesperson Scott McClellan had published a tell-all memoir, President George W. Bush offered his personal reason for not reading it. "I have no intention of reading Scott McCl... http://www.caglepost.com/article/a9aac449-a67d-4061-ab8a-05db1b6f7472.html Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:00:00 GMT Hillary Rejects, Denounces Self, Throws Self Under Bus After Gaffe Responding to a chorus of outrage touched off by her comments about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) made a bold attempt at damage control today by distancing herself from herself. Many political observers had a... http://www.caglepost.com/article/8f18c28f-c75e-422d-bb3f-4bdfb79e2d00.html Fri, 30 May 2008 07:00:00 GMT Hillary Vows To Fight On For Edwards' Endorsement Unfazed By Endorsement Of Obama Just moments after former presidential candidate John Edwards endorsed Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) vowed to "continue the fight" for Edwards' endorsement. "My friends, I will fight for the endorsement of ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/ee88850a-4e2a-4e91-8030-0b95e37efa44.html Fri, 23 May 2008 07:00:00 GMT Bill Clinton Switches To Obama: Latest Super Delegate Defection For Hillary In what some Democratic Party insiders are calling a particularly ominous sign for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, former president Bill Clinton today became the latest super delegate to switch from Sen. Clinton to her rival, Sen. Barack Oba... http://www.caglepost.com/article/b000b8af-98e1-44ea-b8c6-b6ddf721c941.html Mon, 19 May 2008 07:00:00 GMT Rev. Wright Launches Own 24-Hr. Channel; All Wright, All The Time, Preacher Promises Pronouncing himself "thrilled" with his recent spate of media appearances, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright announced today that he will launch his own 24-hour channel that will feature nothing but himself all day long. Coming off his appearance with PBS's B... http://www.caglepost.com/article/e55bee68-5d75-4d22-9c5c-3e6d7dfdb363.html Mon, 05 May 2008 07:00:00 GMT Democratic Race The Democratic race for president has descended to "a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics," the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today. The Swift Boat group, which became famous in 2004 for attacking Democratic pres... http://www.caglepost.com/article/820af782-796c-4bf4-9162-6966198c30a5.html Mon, 28 Apr 2008 07:00:00 GMT China Moves Olympics To Undisclosed Location Fearful about the prospect of human-rights protesters ruining the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer games to a remote location where no one can find them. A spokesman for the Chinese ministry of sport, Wu Qingx... http://www.caglepost.com/article/a76316e2-1509-4cf8-9db8-a03bd433c468.html Mon, 21 Apr 2008 07:00:00 GMT Market Tumbles On News That Bush Is Still President: White House Appearance President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world. "You don't have to worry about this economy because I am in charge of i... http://www.caglepost.com/article/0b14455b-688e-4bb0-9706-b7d1f26535bf.html Mon, 14 Apr 2008 07:00:00 GMT Hillary Says 8-Year-Old Bosnian Girl Was Actually Sniper Accused in recent days of embellishing her story of a brush with sniper fire in Bosnia, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton said today "don't be fooled" by photos showing her being greeted at the airport by a pony-tailed 8-year-old... http://www.caglepost.com/article/5fa05780-97ab-43aa-9561-1a12ec82be61.html Mon, 07 Apr 2008 07:00:00 GMT Bush To Phase Out Environment By 2009 President George W. Bush confirmed today that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office in January 2009. "In addition to cutting taxes, it has been the goal ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/1bb82453-723f-476b-9493-904f17be7b2e.html Mon, 31 Mar 2008 07:00:00 GMT Bush Reveals Tap Water As Prescription-Drug Plan On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House. "I am responsible for this," Mr. Bush t... http://www.caglepost.com/article/00b7fe42-00b5-4af0-9b39-8a76a1e0873c.html Fri, 21 Mar 2008 07:00:00 GMT Calling Hillary A Monster n Obama campaign aide's remarks in which she called Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) a "monster" have ignited a firestorm of controversy among monsters across the U.S., prominent monsters confirmed today. Calling Hillary Clinton a monster is "odious and... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fa68dc3e-a369-450d-98d0-37d41161a3fb.html Mon, 17 Mar 2008 07:00:00 GMT Bush Says He Lets Red Phone Go Straight To Voicemail President George W. Bush commented on Sen. Hillary Clinton's controversial "red phone" campaign ads at the White House today, telling reporters, "When that red phone rings, I just let it go straight to voicemail." President Bush rarely comments about... http://www.caglepost.com/article/3ae9f4d9-da77-499a-b8c0-4dc98caa2c22.html Fri, 07 Mar 2008 08:00:00 GMT Nader Announces Plan To Wreck Election Appearing on NBC's "Meet the Press" today, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election. Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/77208369-1809-43bc-9b0c-e315732dc900.html Mon, 03 Mar 2008 08:00:00 GMT Roger Clemens Named New White House Spokesperson Now pitching for the White House . Roger Clemens. That was the word out of Washington today as President George W. Bush introduced the embattled pitcher to the White House press corps as his new official spokesperson. In a joint appearance, Mr. Bus... http://www.caglepost.com/article/5bbef49c-4151-4a7c-ad37-44d8ec819a45.html Fri, 22 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT Obama Wins Country Music Entertainer of The Year Coming off a weekend in which he racked up victories in Nebraska, Washington, Louisiana, the Virgin Islands and Maine, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) extended his amazing winning streak today by being named the Country Music Association's Entertainer of ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/c7245192-9653-4323-9599-655d4ab49ce4.html Sat, 16 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT Facebook to Co-Sponsor War on Terror: Popular Networking Site Takes Aim at Jihad After successfully sponsoring several of the presidential debates, Facebook is spreading its wings once more, announcing today that it would become the official co-sponsor of the United States'' war on terror. In snagging the coveted anti-terrorism s... http://www.caglepost.com/article/36a7bb9c-7e48-401a-bbc5-fa03f964be00.html Sat, 09 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica: Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former president Bill Clinton, on a "special campaign trip" to Antarctica that could last "six or seven months," Clinton aides confirmed today. "From here on in, Bill is g... http://www.caglepost.com/article/1afc571b-045e-4721-a2ee-79bc30954b91.html Sat, 02 Feb 2008 08:00:00 GMT Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee: Animal 'Taunted' By Bestiality Remarks After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger. Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controve... http://www.caglepost.com/article/b1698850-cc76-4de9-9fd8-c97f38e750dc.html Mon, 28 Jan 2008 08:00:00 GMT Bloomberg Still Deciding Whether to Buy the Presidency New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is "still trying to decide" whether to buy the U.S. presidency, aides to Bloomberg confirmed today, with the sticking point reportedly being the steep price of such an acquisition. In recent weeks, Bloomberg had been sen... http://www.caglepost.com/article/0fa6f1a9-490f-489a-922b-533674ab2b77.html Sat, 19 Jan 2008 08:00:00 GMT Next Year's News January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts. February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaff... http://www.caglepost.com/article/d8ba20c7-2f59-4a07-a322-52142c88e5d9.html Sat, 12 Jan 2008 08:00:00 GMT Hillary Repackages Herself as a Black Man In what some party insiders are calling a Hail Mary bid to win Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today attempted to repackage herself as a black man. In the wake of her disappointing third-place finish... http://www.caglepost.com/article/9c720fc8-852c-4c1d-b0d3-cd9f6d93a974.html Sat, 05 Jan 2008 08:00:00 GMT Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation's capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office. According to White House aides, the ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/bc0e1ed5-41f5-415c-b015-4c8a12e31406.html Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT Taxing Time for Democrats? It's been a while since taxes were a potent political issue. It was almost 20 years ago that George H.W. Bush invited voters to "read my lips" and a baker's dozen years since Republicans captured Congress by decrying the Clinton tax increases. George... http://www.caglepost.com/article/a19b743c-9f9c-435e-9b6d-0c3f63ddc052.html Mon, 17 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT In Speech on Religion, Obama Explains His Faith in Oprah Under pressure to explain his religious faith to the American people, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a 45-minute speech today discussing his belief in Oprah Winfrey. In an election year that has been dominated by discus... http://www.caglepost.com/article/a86d826f-67b0-4106-af46-cb66d8c5e070.html Sat, 15 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT Hillary's slush-fund attack WASHINGTON - David Axelrod, the seasoned Chicago Democratic political operative who is chief strategist for Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign, was taken by surprise in the last minute of CBS's "Face the Nation" on Dec. 2. Howard Wolfson, Sen.... http://www.caglepost.com/article/6c528253-3b3e-49a3-b71a-88ccd6cad0d7.html Thu, 13 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan's Quiet Right-Hand Man By Floyd and Mary Beth Brown So who is Judge Clark? And why do you need to know more about him? He could easily be called one of the most influential advisors and closest friend of Ronald Reagan. But until now,... http://www.caglepost.com/article/b216f541-4371-4db1-bff1-88c7cc68852a.html Wed, 12 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate: Move to Shore Up Evangelical Base n a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate. Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/2db1ac0d-5e47-4ff8-bf14-3627ee1ec532.html Tue, 11 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT China Says "Too Late" To Recall Huge Shipment of Toxic Turkeys Officials from a major food exporter in China apologized to American consumers today for shipping over 70 million poisonous turkeys to the U.S. early last week but indicated that it was "too late" for a recall of their toxic food product. A spokes... http://www.caglepost.com/article/107afbb9-8e22-4b03-9464-3e5e93ff3634.html Sat, 01 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT Bush Issues Official List of Things to Be Thankful For: Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address In a special Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things: "My fellow Americans, let's be thankful for global warming, because ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/35ebfbf7-e301-4f82-aac4-b7cd7afe4cac.html Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:00:00 GMT Hillary Refuses to Answer Paper-or-Plastic Question Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) raised eyebrows in Iowa today when she refused to respond to a supermarket cashier's question about her preference for paper or plastic bags, calling the inquiry "totally hypothetical." Clinton... http://www.caglepost.com/article/278774bc-61ad-4664-9544-950f6de8c971.html Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:00:00 GMT Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy In what he described as "an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror," President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy. Bush said he sche... http://www.caglepost.com/article/87c0ae59-7b28-46c1-b164-c0497ef080f4.html Sat, 10 Nov 2007 08:00:00 GMT Hillary to Spend Rest of Campaign in Soundproof Glass Box In what some observers are calling a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box, aides confirme... http://www.caglepost.com/article/da270d6d-5f28-4ef5-93d6-adcdd319a67f.html Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:00:00 GMT Dean Reassures Democrats: "We Will Find a Way to Screw This Up" Amid a growing belief that there is no way the Democrats can blow the 2008 presidential election, Democratic National Committee chief Howard Dean sought today to reassure the party faithful that the party was "doing everything in its power" to uphold... http://www.caglepost.com/article/292ff8a6-ada9-43cd-92c7-613c5be7536b.html Sat, 27 Oct 2007 07:00:00 GMT In Sign of Confidence, Clinton Airs Vicious Attack Ads About Herself In a sign of confidence befitting her status as frontrunner, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) today began airing what her aides are calling "extremely vicious attack ads about herself." The ads, airing in such key ea... http://www.caglepost.com/article/c4f030ee-4246-4d3f-8b09-858272123c5a.html Sat, 20 Oct 2007 07:00:00 GMT Bush May Lack Gene for Human Speech A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech. The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discove... http://www.caglepost.com/article/ba2ffe88-6158-43bc-93af-ff4783686739.html Sat, 13 Oct 2007 07:00:00 GMT New CBS Reality Show, "Kid Detention," Sends Kids to Guantanamo Fresh on the heels of their reality show "Kid Nation," in which children are sent to perform hard labor on a ranch with no adult supervision, CBS announced today that it was readying a new reality show in which children are sent to the federal detent... http://www.caglepost.com/article/ef96902e-1b51-48ba-bce5-9b0bea9d3d2d.html Sat, 29 Sep 2007 07:00:00 GMT O.J. Authors "If I Robbed Them" One week after being arrested for armed robbery of sports memorabilia, former football great O.J. Simpson announced today that he was the author of a new book titled "If I Robbed Them." Speaking at a press conference in Las Vegas, Simpson described... http://www.caglepost.com/article/cb578f0f-f981-40ef-8d9a-cf9a429f2ef6.html Sat, 22 Sep 2007 07:00:00 GMT Exhauseted, Thompson Quits Race, Calls Weeklong Campaign 'Punishing' Saying that he was "totally exhausted and drained," former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson withdrew from the race for the Republican presidential nomination today. Mr. Thompson's move surprised supporters and rivals alike, since the Tennessean had an... http://www.caglepost.com/article/d65e01e6-5ba5-443f-8e7f-68c1017fa824.html Sat, 15 Sep 2007 07:00:00 GMT Hedge Fund Managers' March on Washington Largest Chauffeur-Driven Protest in Capital's History Demanding further intervention from the Federal Reserve to protect their endangered fortunes, thousands of the nation's leading hedge-fund managers marched on Washington today. Dubbed "The Million Mercedes March," the protest was said to be the la... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fc150e4e-5fdb-4b2a-b172-c86cf009f301.html Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:00:00 GMT Gonzales to Spend More Time Eavesdropping on His Family Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned Monday, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family. Mr. Gonzales, a champion of domestic surveillance and warrantless wiretaps while in office, ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/84356ca1-d4c7-4d7a-85f0-8c4c6fa93148.html Sat, 01 Sep 2007 07:00:00 GMT Rove's Legacy Tainted by Steroids To many, he was "Bush's Brain," the master tactician who would stop at nothing to advance the political agenda of George W. Bush. But to a growing number of experts within the Beltway and beyond, a more sinister portrait is emerging of former Whit... http://www.caglepost.com/article/29185169-a9c6-47fa-9321-52d92698fb15.html Sat, 25 Aug 2007 07:00:00 GMT McCain Puts Straight Talk Express on eBay In what some political observers are calling an ominous sign for his cash-starved White House bid, Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., today posted his campaign bus, The Straight Talk Express, on the Internet auction site eBay.... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fd8158b5-b764-4050-ae13-c6fdefbe7244.html Sat, 04 Aug 2007 07:00:00 GMT Cheney, Briefly Assuming Bush's Duties, Says He Enjoyed the Downtime Vice President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed President Bush's duties while the president underwent a routine colon procedure on Saturday, told reporters today that he "enjoyed the downtime immensely." The two hours and fifteen minutes spent ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/ec4cf5e6-c578-41c7-97e1-e823acf84cb2.html Sat, 28 Jul 2007 07:00:00 GMT Bush Proposes Sending TransformersT to Iraq Increasingly frustrated by the Iraqi government's failure to meet a series of defined benchmarks, President George W. Bush today proposed sending a group of giant robots known as the TransformersT to Iraq. Aides to the president were vague as to w... http://www.caglepost.com/article/435eac0c-6a23-4889-9ad5-64d612ec965a.html Sat, 21 Jul 2007 07:00:00 GMT Illegal Immigrants Seek Scooter's Deal In a development that could complicate the Bush administration's position on immigration, millions of illegal immigrants over the past few days have sought an amnesty deal similar to the one obtained by the former chief of staff to Vice President Dic... http://www.caglepost.com/article/bf7a016d-2596-48dd-95b8-a495d88c7ced.html Sat, 14 Jul 2007 07:00:00 GMT Cheney Declares Himself National Monument Latest Attempt to Dodge Subpoena In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument. Mr. Cheney took the unorthodox step only after failing in his attempt to invoke a little-known legal principle called ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/81183a4e-c52f-46f8-9928-bb04862c9f95.html Sat, 07 Jul 2007 07:00:00 GMT Adding Children to the Equation Children change a marriage. This is not a lament. It's not a hallelujah, either. It's just a fact. That whole greeting card promise, "And baby makes three," doesn't begin to explain what happens when a couple makes room for someone else who isn... http://www.caglepost.com/article/bfecdc09-45c2-42aa-a06c-c13a9142b606.html Tue, 03 Jul 2007 07:00:00 GMT Nader's Ego Enters 2008 Race The field of presidential candidates got a little more crowded today as the massive ego of consumer activist Ralph Nader announced that it was entering the 2008 race. For its historic announcement, Mr. Nader's ego chose New York's Madison Square G... http://www.caglepost.com/article/78e5533e-8ffb-45aa-a45b-81608da2115a.html Sat, 30 Jun 2007 07:00:00 GMT Disharmony, the New Tolerance Last week, a lesbian filed suit against eHarmony.com because the online dating service does not fix up homosexual couples. It is ugly to watch how a group that has been asking straight Americans for tolerance and understanding can turn on a dime, ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/22cfbaea-5332-4e26-be08-897fe8c5c64f.html Thu, 07 Jun 2007 07:00:00 GMT Hillary Sends Gore Basket of Calorie-Rich Treats In a move that raised eyebrows among observers of the 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) today sent former Vice President Al Gore a gift basket laden with high-calorie treats. While the basket,... http://www.caglepost.com/article/0277f2d0-9d01-462e-85f9-344dbb8e83fe.html Sat, 02 Jun 2007 07:00:00 GMT Bush Names Wolfowitz President of al-Qaeda In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of al Qaeda. Mr. Wolfowitz, who has no experience ru... http://www.caglepost.com/article/8304a82e-2694-44a2-8a4c-c1efe05388f0.html Sat, 26 May 2007 07:00:00 GMT G.O.P. Hopefuls Clash over Who is the Whitest In a nationally televised debate last night, the 10 candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the G.O.P. race. With the elusive ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/659a1e3b-0d39-483e-8c48-37906b3f1b15.html Sat, 19 May 2007 07:00:00 GMT Wolfowitz's Girlfriend Resigns as Wolfowitz's Girlfriend In yet another setback for the embattled World Bank president, Paul Wolfowitz's girlfriend Shaha Riza announced today that she was resigning as Mr. Wolfowitz's girlfriend, "effective immediately." While Ms. Riza's role in the conflict of interest ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/e4ef7175-5426-4ba4-a323-caf2fc409617.html Sat, 12 May 2007 07:00:00 GMT White House Seeks Lying Czar The White House in recent weeks has been quietly searching for candidates for the position of "lying czar," a high-level administrator who would oversee all distortions and misrepresentations about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a White House sour... http://www.caglepost.com/article/a74ea744-c3b2-490d-87f1-48f14a476c7b.html Sat, 05 May 2007 07:00:00 GMT U.S. Sends Rich Little to Iraq to Entertain Insurgents As part of a bold new strategy to confuse the enemy, the Pentagon announced today that it was sending comedian/impressionist Rich Little to Iraq to entertain the insurgents. While the United States has sent many comedians to Iraq to entertain the ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/3a520003-dc62-42bb-af52-d4ec56e54c99.html Sat, 28 Apr 2007 07:00:00 GMT World Shocked That Wolfowitz Has Girlfriend Amid the controversy swirling about World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz, millions of people today reacted with shock to what is universally considered the most improbable aspect of the story: that Paul Wolfowitz could have a girlfriend. All over ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/de84b2ec-3aa7-45b8-a0db-75ab01f5b3a6.html Sat, 21 Apr 2007 07:00:00 GMT Imu Moves to Al-Qaida Network Just days after his "Imus in the Morning" program was dropped by MSNBC, embattled shock jock Don Imus bounced back nicely today, landing a new show on Osama bin Laden's fledgling Al-Qaeda TV network. While Mr. bin Laden's Al-Qaeda terror network h... http://www.caglepost.com/article/81de715b-847c-4094-a350-867e3b1f609b.html Sat, 14 Apr 2007 07:00:00 GMT Scientists Study Memory Loss Among Politicians An "unprecedented epidemic of memory loss" is afflicting America's politicians, making it virtually impossible for them to remember key phone conversations, meetings, and memos, a spokesman for the world's leading brain scientists said today. The... http://www.caglepost.com/article/30afd6cc-d805-47ce-b7d6-9c19fff53bb4.html Sat, 07 Apr 2007 07:00:00 GMT New Hillary Software Lets Voters Customize Her Positions Crisscrossing the nation in her quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) today unveiled new state-of-the-art software that will enable voters to customize her positions on a host of issues. Dubbed "Hillary 8.0," the... http://www.caglepost.com/article/1c3b8922-0d9e-489d-9aec-9d8a67fd1496.html Sat, 31 Mar 2007 07:00:00 GMT Iraqis Angry that U.S . Forgot Anniversary of War Iraqi citizens, already furious at the United States for a host of issues, are now miffed that the U.S. apparently forgot the fourth anniversary of the war there, sources said today. Across the war-torn nation, Iraqis expressed a range of emotions... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fce8b743-9b6d-4cc0-a5fc-cea2b3df0481.html Sat, 24 Mar 2007 07:00:00 GMT Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence In response to what he called a "significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies," President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence. By creati... http://www.caglepost.com/article/dd7428fb-fdf4-4097-8c96-9e503f209c9c.html Sat, 17 Mar 2007 07:00:00 GMT Bush Strips Libby of Nickname Just hours after Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty in his trial relating to the CIA leak scandal, Mr. Libby suffered another setback as President George W. Bush officially stripped him of his... http://www.caglepost.com/article/7b660179-4bbe-46ab-9201-1d96ea63fc15.html Sat, 10 Mar 2007 08:00:00 GMT Supreme Court Gives Gore's Oscar to Bush Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global-warming documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to Pr... http://www.caglepost.com/article/c943ec40-b72c-422b-8d38-b76264e130e3.html Sat, 03 Mar 2007 08:00:00 GMT Bush: I'll Bring Home Troops on JetBlue Under increased pressure to announce an exit strategy from Iraq, President George W. Bush revealed plans today to bring U.S. troops home on the budget airlines JetBlue. Mr. Bush received praise for his decision to withdraw American troops, but his... http://www.caglepost.com/article/d35ee281-034d-47d0-b435-4478fda4734f.html Sat, 24 Feb 2007 08:00:00 GMT Pre-War Intelligence Came From Magic 8-Ball Much of the pre-war intelligence that led to President George W. Bush's decision to invade Iraq in 2003 came from the popular fortune-telling toy known as the Magic 8-Ball, according to documents released today. As Congress debates the war in Iraq... http://www.caglepost.com/article/73db07d8-5a19-4c94-8d76-5c6ebf961daa.html Sat, 17 Feb 2007 08:00:00 GMT CNN: Severe Weather Alerts Continue Through Sweeps -- 90 Percent Chance of Anderson Cooper Being Rained On, Network Warns Executives at CNN warned today that severe weather alerts have been on the rise during February sweeps and are expected to reach an all-time high before the all-important ratings-grabbing period is over. At a CNN press briefing at the company's he... http://www.caglepost.com/article/aeae836f-2a4e-4483-9a8e-323ae1f0107f.html Sat, 10 Feb 2007 08:00:00 GMT Experts Go On Strike -- Work Action Could Last Months, Non-Experts Say In an unprecedented labor action that could directly impact American journalists' access to space-filling quotations, America's experts went on strike today, seeking payment and benefits for their oft-quoted remarks. For decades, journalists who h... http://www.caglepost.com/article/15e0a73e-6b53-4211-9bc9-0af2422d068e.html Sat, 03 Feb 2007 08:00:00 GMT Bin Laden's State of the Jihad Address Short on Specifics Al-Qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden delivered his annual State of the Jihad address last night and immediately faced criticism that the speech was short on specifics and little more than a laundry list of vague threats. Speaking from his ca... http://www.caglepost.com/article/9eafceb9-6b6e-4ca4-820b-d83ec9f84326.html Sat, 27 Jan 2007 08:00:00 GMT Rosie-Trump Feud Moves Doomsday Clock Closer to Midnight The ongoing feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump could have deadly consequences for the world if either obtained nuclear weapons, a group of leading nuclear scientists announced today. The Chicago-based Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/fd5b3efc-7880-46da-8d1d-b0866e54d422.html Sat, 20 Jan 2007 08:00:00 GMT Bin Laden Denounces Inclusion on Worst Dressed List A furious Osama bin Laden appeared on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network last night to denounce his inclusion on the latest edition of Mr. Blackwell's infamous Worst Dressed List. In his half-hour tirade, the world's most wanted man left no do... http://www.caglepost.com/article/9ea617a0-c9d9-424a-9282-c1f41fb77b10.html Sat, 13 Jan 2007 08:00:00 GMT God Denies Talking to Pat Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his "700 Club" program that God warned him of "mass killings" in the United States late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist. For... http://www.caglepost.com/article/53114769-4e55-4d9d-bbb4-bcc1ed73d26b.html Sat, 06 Jan 2007 08:00:00 GMT President Bush Issues New Year's Resolutions for '07 In an unprecedented televised address to the nation last night, President George W. Bush announced a list of his New Year's resolutions for 2007, telling the American people, "I am a big believer in abiding by resolutions, as long as they don't come ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/af7cc932-dd02-46db-9f46-33ffd464e96f.html Sat, 30 Dec 2006 08:00:00 GMT Naughty Outnimber Nice in New Survey In a University of Minnesota survey designed to determine who is naughty and who is nice, the naughty outnumbered the nice by a whopping three-to-one margin, the University of Minnesota revealed today. The survey, conducted by the University of Mi... http://www.caglepost.com/article/df835620-3d32-4039-a211-8d2bb4e1f545.html Sat, 23 Dec 2006 08:00:00 GMT Bush Opposes Marriage Between a Man and a Flag In what many political observers believe could become an effective wedge issue in the 2006 midterm elections, President George W. Bush today proposed a constitutional amendment banning marriage between a man and a flag. In a nationally televised ... http://www.caglepost.com/article/f031780a-e4f2-4330-9dc7-d175d209eeca.html Wed, 13 Dec 2006 08:00:00 GMT

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